The fucked up, the anxious and the traumatized

I am the fucked up, the anxious and the traumatized
I grew up with them
I was a friend to them
A lover to them
A daughter and now a son to them
I know where I belong
And it’s with them
I’ve been a home to them
A road to them
And a pain to them
The fucked up, the anxious and the traumatized live within me
Breathe with me
See for me
Been a shelter
And a nuisance to me
Made life a living hell for me
Yes the fucked up, the anxious and the traumatized is me
But you should know damn well that it won’t compromise me

Seek

I’m tired of hearing everything I speak
Said back to me
As if I don’t practice what I preach
Just because you can’t see it
Doesn’t mean I don’t seek shit
Seek to be remembered
Seek to be forgotten
Seek to be found
Seek to find
What’s truly mine
In this hurricane mind
Whose thoughts are these
Whose breath to do I breathe
I hold these limbs
Yet can’t feel a thing
Not even a phantom pain
Or the cold rain
I’m here but I’m not
I am Who I forgot

Our (Un)known Truth

“If you cut your hair I won’t talk to you for a week”
“Don’t tell nana cause you know the words she”ll speak”
Things you told me but the irony is
You were the one who didn’t understand this
Dad got it
But only to an extent
And my poor mental health only leant to the pain
Isolation and insomnia were my best friends through childhood
Only parting from me when I left the broken shelter that was your roof
An environment where I was told to be authentic
But shamed into silence
As a result of insufficient finance
The legality of my upbringing questionable but dissociation made it tolerable
Now I only dissociate from trauma and abuse and the fear of social interaction
While I learn to relearn who I am
Who we are
Because sometimes it feels like I’m not the only one in this body
In this mind
But I don’t have a diagnosis
So I can’t really know this
So I sit with dysphoria about my body
Feeling confident in my transness
Confident in my man-ness
But what does one do when they’re sure of who they are
But don’t know who they are
Because a sense of self was never developed
So I envelope myself in myself
And call myself me
Call myself we
Cause we needed someone when we had no one
So I decide to be someone
I allow myself to be someone
And give myself comfort the way only we can
Because my trauma often comes from men
But how do I be a man when they make me feel so uneasy
It isn’t easy
Its never easy
But I promise myself not to become those who hurt me
Even when my mind and my hands burn me
Because I deserve to be authentic
Because I deserve to have my identity cemented
So I cement myself
I write my name in rocks and trees
Take pictures and tell myself that’s me
That’s we