Experimenting with new styles such as impressionism starting with this painting I did inspired by a screenshot from Monsta X’s newest instrumental vers. MV for their song “From Zero”. I did accidentally forget to leave enough space for the pond in the middle but I’m accepting of the fact that that’s just a part of the learning process.
2017 was a hell of a year. It had a lot of ups and downs both for myself personally and the people and world around me…it brought some really hard times….
But it also brought some absolutely wonderful times.
I started really focusing my sights on art and tattooing (and even eventually got my first machine).
I entered a new relationship that I could not be more happy and thankful for because they make me want to be a stronger and better person every day that I’m with them.
I saw SHINee, one of the first groups to introduce me to kpop, in concert with one of my best friends for the first time….
I finally came out as trans to my family and went to Toronto Pride and got to march in the Trans March among many other awesome things with my partner and friends.
I did a special photoshoot that I never would have imagined I could have done and it helped free me from a lot of old self-esteem and body issues.
I went to see Nicky Jam in concert with another best friend.
I truly started seeing and actively searching for the beauty in the world around me and was not disappointed.
I continue to support and love my favorite kpop group and was given many wonderful and happy memories because of them. I can’t express my gratitude enough for the smiles and times they got me through.
I started eating cleaner, cooking and working out to help maintain my health and build self-confidence.
But most importantly, I shared this year with the best and most supportive people I could ever ask for. I built a year around friendship and love and self-worth and I came out a better, brighter, more positive and more authentic version of myself and I could not be happier.
There’s still a lot of negativity and sadness that I want to leave behind in 2017 and I hope 2018 brings with it more laughter and smiles and excitement. It’s not midnight yet, but here’s to a new year y’all. I’m ready for it!
Yesterday (though I still consider it today since its just past midnight and I haven’t slept yet) I was completely depleted of all energy. And when I say completely, I mean to the point where even after sleeping for 10 hours and then taking an additional hour and a half long nap, I still struggled to even carry my own weight and as a result did not even take my medication until the early evening despite normally taking it at noon. Now normally, I tend to have bouts of excessive sleepiness and have made a faulty regular habit of taking daytime naps when needed to make it through the day but Today was a special case because not only was it my usual low energy levels, it was also the after affects of a long day out with much social interaction.
What exactly could have made me so tired that I could not function like that of your average person? Let’s start by giving a brief overview of the very busy, but very fun day that was Saturday.
As a result of having trouble sleeping all my life, I often am not able to fall asleep until around 2 or 3 in the morning despite effort to change it to earlier and then once asleep, often times I will wake up multiple times within a night or still be somewhat conscious as I am a lucid dreamer. So it’s easy to see that getting enough quality sleep on a day to day basis does not come easily. However, I’ve grown accustomed to it and find that strangely enough, I’m able to function to a reliable degree if I get about 4-5 hours of sleep, so going to bed at 2am and waking up at 8am on Saturday, giving me 6 hours of sleep, was considered fairly decent for me.
Upon waking up, I went through my usual routine of having a small breakfast, showering and then getting dressed for the day. I put a little more effort into my outfit than usual as I was preparing for a Nicky Jam concert later that night. Before then however, there were other responsibilities and activities to be done first. My friend M came over around noon to get a tattoo done, which went fairly well and quickly, so I was able to clean up my work space and then grab any last minute things before we hit the road, a he had agreed to drive me to the mall that I was to meet up with another friend at for the concert. Before heading to the mall though, he decided to treat me to sushi for lunch and then while waiting for my other friend to arrive, wandered around the mall and bought me a new outfit as I had mentioned I needed something warmer for fall. Of these three things, only the tattooing really required any energy so I was still fairing pretty well and was buzzing with excitement over getting a new sweater that made me feel incredibly euphoric when worn with my binder.
After about 30 minutes, we parted ways when my other friend arrived. The two of us then headed over to the bus station and started making our way downtown Toronto. The ride was easy, especially since the first bus was a route I always take when visiting her or my partner at university. Then it was one more bus and a subway ride before we reached the mall that we planned to kill some time at since we had 4 hours before the concert actually started. We wandered around for awhile until we found the Lush store that I knew was There and wanted to check out since I had only ever bought products online and never had the chance to go to the actual store and get a good look (and smell) for some of the bath stuff that I was curious about. We spent some time talking to the employees and comparing which things we liked before we each settled for one thing. Hers being a hair product and mine a shower cream. It was really nice to finally be able to check out the products in person because I was able to figure out which ones I liked and could Then buy online later as well as get to talk to some nice people who were very helpful in guiding me towards things with a certain scent that I adore. After paying, we took our leave and decided we would grab a bite to eat because although neither of us were that hungry, we knew by the end of the concert we would be, so we walked a couple blocks and got Thai Express, which much like going to Lush, was another new thing I got to try and enjoy.
At this point, I was starting to mellow out in terms of my overall energy levels but the thought of the incoming concert still kept me ready to go.
Upon my suggestion, we headed to the concert earlier so we wouldn’t have to wait in line for as long and as soon as we got to the ACC, out excitement spiked and we were both on our feet and moving.
The concert itself was a really great experience for multiple reasons. Although, the hype man and the opening act spoke in both English and Spanish, Nicky spoke in Spanish the entire time and put a big emphasis on Latin Pride which, although not Latinx myself, was really wonderful to see. There were so many people with different flags from their respective countries and it was really different in terms of overall vibe because the entire time people, including my friend and I (which is impressive because I don’t often dance in front of others) were dancing and really feeling the music in the physical sense. Nicky himself was great live and I loved getting to sing/dance along to the songs that I knew as well as hear a few ones that I didn’t. The entire thing was really colorful and beautiful in regards to lighting and the visuals on the big screen. And at the very end, instead of bowing in the way I expected, he got on all fours and put his head down on the stage in a show of respect. I’m used to seeing that in East Asian cultures, especially since I listen to a lot of Korean music and media, so it wasn’t anything new to me but he’s the first artist I’ve seen live, including two kpop groups, who actually did that. I was truly humbled and in awe at that moment and it was the perfect way to end the show.
After the concert was over, my friend and I made our way back to the subway, tired but very satisfied to meet her dad at the mall so he could drive us home. I hadn’t seen him for quite awhile so he was still new to my gender situation but he made sure to use my chosen name and asked me how I had been. He, my friend and I talked about the concert and how it went and that eventually lead into a really nice conversation about learning different languages like Spanish, Korean and ASL. My friend and I both have trouble staying motivated all the time and often (myself specifically) forget to study things and then end up not doing it for awhile, so that nights concert left both us inspired and excited to get back into our language studies.
Overall the entire day was a huge success in my eyes and it left me feeling really satisfied about the whole experience and getting to spend time with two of my friends. Needless to say, it was definitely a lot easier to fall asleep that night though after being out all day.
That being said, as easy and as much sleep as I got, I was still drained as a result when I woke up. It’s pretty that after spending a day or weekend with friends or doing a lot, the next day or two I tend to be very sluggish, tired and often left with a feeling of sadness. Not necessarily because I’m back home and no longer with friends, but more so because being around so much activity and people can burn me out fairly quickly. As much as I crave and love doing new and exciting things, especially because it usually gives me a rush of happiness that is harder to find during depressive episodes, it’s incredibly hard to sustain a constant flow of such demanding things so recovery time is often neccessary as a result.
There are quite a few times, specially after concerts in particular, where I wish I could partake in activities and social outings more often, and there are times where I’m given the option, but I also know that it would be very hard to maintain, at least as of right now, whilst I am undiagnosed/untreated for my anxiety and mood disorder. Although not always fun having to admit that I need recovery time, and after such little interaction that the vast majority of people can handle with no drastic impact on their ability to function, it is something that I need to accept in order to maintain a healthy balance or else risk being overwhelmed more often. And there’s no shame in that but no matter how many times you run out of spoons, it’s still a challenge to work around. Even more so when my fatigue or post-social interaction recovery periods also bring with them a difficulty to communicate verbally because even just voicing my thoughts or answering a question required more energy than what my mind and body can manage, which can cause a lot of frustration for those around me. But like everything, it eventually passes.
I decided to throw together a playlist for this year’s Pride on Spotify for a change, as I used to only do them on my phone before I started using it. It’s an assortment of lgbtq+ artists as well as a select few anthems floating around in the mix. I hope you enjoy!
In the spirit of how nice the weather’s been getting these last few days, I have been listening to a lot of old songs that remind me of summer, either because that’s when I first heard them and or they have a summer feel (in my opinion), and I decided to share a few of them!
1. Nine in the Afternoon- Panic! At The Disco
2. Happy Day- Ulala Session
3. Check Yes Juliet- We The Kings
4. Best Day of my Life- American Authors
5. Joah- Jay Park
6. Amsterdam- Imagine Dragons
7. Hero Heroine- Boys Like Girls
8. Cherry Blossom Ending- Busker Busker
9. This and That is Life- David Choi
10. All Star- Smash Mouth
1.
This is a song I only discovered recently and have some to love because it never fails to put me in a happier mood because of the beat and catchy tune, as well as the association it has with some of the coolest and funniest youtube gamers that I could have ever discovered. When I need a laugh or a smile, this song and those specific people are the first thing I go to.
2.
All Time Low has been my favorite band since about grade 9 and this was and still remains to be one of the songs that I always fall back to when something in my life feels wrong or isn’t going well. To this day, it’s probably my favorite song from them and I think I’ll always have some kind of emotional connection to it.
3.
Oh dearest country music. I grew up listening to songs like this and even long before I entered my older teen years I adored this song. I don’t think I truly understood it until I got to beginning/middle of high school but it’s definitely one I related to from the minute I heard it and when I finally get up and leave home for good…this’ll be the first song I’ll listen to as a drive away.
4.
Another song from childhood. One of the few songs that never fails to make me cry, especially as I grow older and watch my dad show his age every day. I always liked the song when I was little, despite the tears it brought on. Now, it’s usually a song I avoid but not because I no longer like it but because certain parts are very true to my life and I know that one day, maybe soon, maybe 20 years from now, I’ll be listening to this song for a different reason entirely.
5.
Now, this song’s a little complicated. I’m not able to relate to it as much as the others as I’m not exactly religious but one of my oldest family friends is a wonderful Christian lady and every time I hear this song, memories of singing this song fer her in the car as she drove me to a summer camp always springs to mind. She has a heart of gold and this song is something that I now associate with her. I haven’t seen her in quite awhile as she’s always off somewhere doing everything she can to help anybody she can but whenever I hear this song, the lyrics and thoughts of her always seem to bring a little bit more faith into my heart.
6.
This song is special to me for so many reasons. It was the first song I sang in front of the school at an assembly when I first moved away from Hamilton. I sang it with the help of my oldest friend and another good friend at the time, the former of which, much like me, had some trouble with bullies. The lyrics always make my heart hurt in both good and bad ways and never fail to remind me that nobody’s perfect and that making fun of someone because they’re not is the worst pain you can cause someone. It was the start of my adamant nature about anti-bullying and trying my best to be a good person. It was also the beginning of my journey of singing and vocal lessons.
7.
This song is another recent discovery. The minute I heard this on the cab ride home from grocery shopping, I knew it would be important to me. I relate to it wholeheartedly because I am not the type of person to give up on people (without good reason) or on love. It’s also a very important song to me at the moment as it is a perfect representation of my current relationship….Some day this will be my wedding song.
8.
Long story short, this song turned up around the time when I really needed it near the beginning of high school. The chorus is something I would love to tell SO many people.
9.
*Flashbacks of watching Sue Thomas F.B.Eye play* This song has long since been one of the songs I would call my theme song. The lyrics are so relate-able, and singing them gives me so much hope and fills me with happiness. And the memories it brings back of one of the best shows I used to watch is always a bonus.
10.
Yeah, it’s kpop, so what. I love everything about this song, the video, the beat that just makes me wanna dance, the lyrics and flow of the words, the reminder of what they were like just a few years back, they’ve come so far, so proud!
If I were somehow able to sing a few specific songs and broadcast them to every single individual in the world, these are some of the songs I would want them to hear.
A song is more than just a melody. It’s more than a series of notes strung together to create a piece of art. It’s more than a voice or a beat. Songs can become way more when paired with the proper lyrics. Not all songs need words or a voice but I find my favorite part of the music I listen to most often is the lyrics and the meanings, feelings, and the ability to relate to them. When I first listen to a new song, I immediately look up the lyrics so that I can sing along as well as understand the story behind all the carefully selected instruments and beautiful harmonies. Whether it’s a love song, a song of pain and healing or one created to empower those that believe in the message, lyrics can tie a song together.
As an avid fan of writing styles that use complex vocabularies and descriptive images, I find myself falling for songs whose lyrics paint a vivid picture in my mind. Lyrics like that are like poetry set to music, each word chosen to emphasize the biggest themes and bring out ideas and feelings that other songs may ignore in order to create something catchy or fun. Lyrics that have a poetic feel to me tend to be more sad in terms of theme, but they have a way of making the lower moments in life, seem a little more beautiful and a little more manageable.
But then there are days where simplicity becomes key. Lyrics that are obvious and to the point and don’t require a much deconstructing and analysis to understand what the story is. Those kind of songs seem, to me, to be more on the happier side. A lot of love songs I enjoy fall into this category because everyone who’s experienced it only needs to hear the basics of the concept to understand and at times be brought back to specific times in our lives. Also, songs with simple lyrics are often songs made to remind people of the most obvious things because despite being common knowledge, we tend to forget about the ideas as we rush through our lives. These songs are usually about self caring and reminding us that we’re beautiful and to stay true to ourselves and there’s no need for complex theories or images to remind us that. Simple lyrics that give us something to believe in are all that’s needed.
Lyrics have a way of making us feel specific things, bring us back to important moments in our live and give us something to believe in. Although not always needed, they do add an important element to music.
How is it that some people’s voices seem to send a flurry of chills throughout your entire being. Everyone has vocal chords and the ability to use them but there’s some people that when you hear them sing, it sounds almost heaven sent. They have this incredible ability to create any feeling with just a few lyrics or well executed notes. When you hear their songs, the sensation it causes goes well beyond that of admiring their natural talent and endless practice. It’s an ability to connect with the listener on an even deeper level. Soulful. That’s the only way I can explain it. They instill the rawest of emotions and the calmest of minds, and unlike a lot of music we hear on a daily basis, these voices can’t be overlooked. The minute your mind recognizes the voice, it travels to a place where the only thing that exits is you and the angels that sing as though every note, every lyric, every beat within those carefully calculated bars was meant for you. There’s just something about a voice like that, that makes it feel almost intimate despite the thousands of others who have memorized it just as well as you.
Mental Anonymity 